My Skin Tone

What’s it like to be half African American? For me, I look too black to be white but I act too “white” to be black.

You’re an Oreo. You’re the whitest black girl I know. You’re not really black. There is nothing black about you.

These are the things I’ve been told all my life. But yet I have also been told…

You’re pretty for a black girl. You’re the first/only black girl I find attractive. Even though you’re black, I like you because you don’t act black. I want to date you but I can’t because my family wouldn’t approve, seriously my grandfather would disown me.

But I’m mixed so I should be accepted by both right? No one notices my skin tone, it’s just in my head.

If “I’m not really black” then why have my friends reached out to me expressing their sympathy for the racial injustices happening? My first thought was why are they saying this to me… and then I realized, I am their “black friend”. At this thought, the insecurities came flooding in. Is that all anyone sees when they look at me? My skintone?

I have spent most of my life just trying to blend in, be accepted and loved. Telling myself that the only person who “sees” my color is me. I have numbed myself to the comments of “acting white” and convinced myself that being someone’s exception of an attractive black woman is a compliment.

And now that the racial curtain is tearing, I feel so exposed. All the hurtful discrimination I’ve experienced and buried is rising to the surface. I suddenly feel very aware of my skin tone now that “everyone” is telling me I have a “right” to my feelings and experiences as a person of color.

Here’s where I have landed. I have had this “right” all along. The fact that some people are just now realizing and actknowgling it doesn’t change anything. The injustice, double standard, prejudice and discrimination people of color have experienced is very real. As is the emotional trauma of it.

I look around and see so much division, hate, violence and evil and I tell myself it’s not supposed to be this way. But, what if it is? Not only did Jesus tell us “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33) but the Bible also warns us about the consequences of sin and living in a fallen world. He warns us of our true enemy, Satan who is the father of lies, confusion and seeks to steal, kill and destroy. (John 8:44/ 10:10) So why are we so surprised with all the brokenness and despair? This can feel very hopeless if you stop there but if you keep going we are reminded to “take heart, for [Jesus] has overcome the world”! The ONLY way I can move forward and process the things that are happening is to keep an Eternal mindset. “Set your mind on the things above, not earthly things”. (Colossians 3:2)

Lastly, I have to remember that God is more hurt, angry, brokenhearted, devastated and burdened by the things happening in our world then we could ever understand. He is a Holy and perfect God. The Author of justice and vengeance. He is faithful and we can trust Him. The worst thing we can do is believe the lie that, God doesn’t care or doesn’t even exist. The battle of racism is a part of the Spiritual warfare going on in each of our hearts, whether you realize it or not. In order to drive out the the hate and darkness, we must know the Creator of Love and Light.

So if you want to make a difference, start there. Say HIS name. Jesus Christ, Yeshua, Son of Man, Living God. He is the Way the Truth and the Light. Healing, peace, justice, love – it all comes from Him!