My Skin Tone

What’s it like to be half African American? For me, I look too black to be white but I act too “white” to be black.

You’re an Oreo. You’re the whitest black girl I know. You’re not really black. There is nothing black about you.

These are the things I’ve been told all my life. But yet I have also been told…

You’re pretty for a black girl. You’re the first/only black girl I find attractive. Even though you’re black, I like you because you don’t act black. I want to date you but I can’t because my family wouldn’t approve, seriously my grandfather would disown me.

But I’m mixed so I should be accepted by both right? No one notices my skin tone, it’s just in my head.

If “I’m not really black” then why have my friends reached out to me expressing their sympathy for the racial injustices happening? My first thought was why are they saying this to me… and then I realized, I am their “black friend”. At this thought, the insecurities came flooding in. Is that all anyone sees when they look at me? My skintone?

I have spent most of my life just trying to blend in, be accepted and loved. Telling myself that the only person who “sees” my color is me. I have numbed myself to the comments of “acting white” and convinced myself that being someone’s exception of an attractive black woman is a compliment.

And now that the racial curtain is tearing, I feel so exposed. All the hurtful discrimination I’ve experienced and buried is rising to the surface. I suddenly feel very aware of my skin tone now that “everyone” is telling me I have a “right” to my feelings and experiences as a person of color.

Here’s where I have landed. I have had this “right” all along. The fact that some people are just now realizing and actknowgling it doesn’t change anything. The injustice, double standard, prejudice and discrimination people of color have experienced is very real. As is the emotional trauma of it.

I look around and see so much division, hate, violence and evil and I tell myself it’s not supposed to be this way. But, what if it is? Not only did Jesus tell us “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33) but the Bible also warns us about the consequences of sin and living in a fallen world. He warns us of our true enemy, Satan who is the father of lies, confusion and seeks to steal, kill and destroy. (John 8:44/ 10:10) So why are we so surprised with all the brokenness and despair? This can feel very hopeless if you stop there but if you keep going we are reminded to “take heart, for [Jesus] has overcome the world”! The ONLY way I can move forward and process the things that are happening is to keep an Eternal mindset. “Set your mind on the things above, not earthly things”. (Colossians 3:2)

Lastly, I have to remember that God is more hurt, angry, brokenhearted, devastated and burdened by the things happening in our world then we could ever understand. He is a Holy and perfect God. The Author of justice and vengeance. He is faithful and we can trust Him. The worst thing we can do is believe the lie that, God doesn’t care or doesn’t even exist. The battle of racism is a part of the Spiritual warfare going on in each of our hearts, whether you realize it or not. In order to drive out the the hate and darkness, we must know the Creator of Love and Light.

So if you want to make a difference, start there. Say HIS name. Jesus Christ, Yeshua, Son of Man, Living God. He is the Way the Truth and the Light. Healing, peace, justice, love – it all comes from Him!

I cry

I cry over the things I’ve lost

I cry over the things that were that no longer are

I cry to release the things inside me in hope that they go away

I cry to call out to my Savior

I cry because my feelings overwhelm me

I cry because my heart still hurts

For you

My plans are for you
I’m not against you
I plan to prosper you
This is helping you grow

My plans are for you
I’m not against you
I’m fighting for you
Just be still and know

My plans are for you
I’m not against you
I’m right here next to you
Oh cling to this hope

My plans are for you
I’m not against you
Oh Daughter I love you
So much more than you know

Two Thousand Eighteen

Vision Board
Started the year by making my first ever “vision board” with my friends Allie and Brit, it turned out so well!
New Job with Small Luxury Hotels
Started my new job as the Central Region Sales Manager and wow was this an answered prayer! God was so faithful and His timing was perfect how everything fell into place. I love the travel industry and this new role could not be any more perfect!
Rodeo
Houston Rodeo is always a fun time of the year! I went a few different times and made tons of memories with my friends
Lighthouse/Porch
I love my community!! My Bible study class Lighthouse and The Porch on Tuesday nights has radically changed my life. #thankful
Cheetah Girls
This is what my friends Allie, Brit, and Jessi call ourselves lol we also occasionally speak in British accents that drive everyone else around us crazy (honorable mention member Eric Hedburg)
Soccer with Dad
My dad surprised me with floor seats to see the FC Spurs play in San Antonio and then we drove up to Houston the next day to watch USA play Mexico! Such a fun weekend enjoying our favorite sport
Reading Challenge
Brit and I made a “challenge” to read 1 book a month… (hint we failed)
Work Trips (Texas Roadshow, LA, SF, Chicago, Midwest)
One of the joys of my job is conducting our sales trips with groups of our hotels throughout my region!
Dating Drew ❤
Officially started dating Drew May 2nd!
Longgggg summer – 86 days
Drew went to go serve in Southeast Asia for the summer, this was very hard as we could only email every few weeks. Looking back I’m thankful for the experience because it made our relationship stronger and clarified his calling.
Family Changes – Mom engaged
Well my mom is getting remarried, lots of emotions!
Catan
I. Love. This. Game.
Cruise with Allie
Went on a Royal Caribbean Cruise with my friend Allie and her Aunt to Puerto Rico, St. Kitts, St. Thomas, and Aruba! So much fun!!
Europe with Jessi
Traveled back to Europe on another Contiki with my friend Jessi! This time we visited London, Amsterdam, Germany, Venice, Switzerland, and Paris! It was such a whirlwind but we had an amazing time and more so many precious memories!
Maid of Honor for Vanessa
My roommate (also named Vanessa lol) asked me to be her MAid of Honor and of course I said YES! So much fun planning and sharing the journey with her!
Calgary with Drew
For Labor Day Drew and I went up to Calgary to visit my mom’s side of the family. We had so much fun and my family adored him. we even spent a day out in Banff which was magical!
Haley Moves in
As my previous roommate was getting married, my sweet friend Haley moved in! She is such a blessing!
Holidays with the Versnel
This Christmas was my first not spending it with my own family, instead I spent it with Drews in Guatemala! We stayed in a beautiful house on the lake and played games and visited the villages around us. So thankful to share this special holiday with his loving family!

What a year! This is a season I will always hold near to my heart.
Bring on 2019!

Words to Live By : Favorite Quotes

God help me to see the good in the ‘not knowing’ the joy in the ‘in -between’ and the meaning in the ‘meantime’.

Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done. -Rudy Fancisco

She is strong, but not in the ways most people think. She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. And yet, she loves anyways.

No one is you and that is your power.

I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all. -Meredith Grey

Darkness thought it had her, but it did not know her God. It did not know the story God was giving her to tell. – Morgan Harper Nichols

May you believe, with all your heart that God is writing a great story with your life. May the lies that come your away today fall by the wayside and not make their way into your heart. May you instead know and believe the truth about who you are and whose you are. You are loved, accepted, gifted, and treasured. You have important things to do in this life. May you refuse to let anything distract you from God’s highest and best purpose for you. He’ll make a way where there seems to be no way. He’ll move mountains at just the right time. You can trust Him. So trust Him. And sleep well tonight.

I am almost never sure about what I want but I am always sure about what I don’t want.

I’m in love with cities I’ve never been to and people I’ve never met.

She’s single because she refuses to change her relationship status for someone who falls short of what she deserves. Knowing her self value, she’s chosen to preserve a spot in her heart for a real man, someone mature enough to understand that loyalty, commitment and honesty is a priority and not an option.

One day you will wake up and all of the waiting will have made sense. You will realize that all of the prayers that seemed to be tangled in worries were actually wrapped lightly in God’s grace.

May I never forget on my best day that I still need God as desperately as I did on my worst day.

To everything, there is a season, a time for everything under heaven. -Ecc 3:1

Don’t believe everything you think.

Real queens fix each other’s crowns.

Don’t be like the rest of them, darling. -Grace Kelly

Forgive me for picking back up what I already laid down at Your feet.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Believe in what you pray for.

Don’t be eye candy, be soul food.

Know who you are and know it’s enough.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Keep you head up darling, if not the crown falls.

Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesn’t happen again.

The fact that our hearts yearns for something Earth can’t supply is proof that heaven must be our home. – C.S. Lewis

Two Thousand Seventeen

Magnolia Farms
Got to live my HGTV dream and visit Magnolia Farms in Waco with a couple of friends, such a fun day that lead to me getting involved at Houston’s First Baptist Church.
Lighthouse/The Porch
Joined a Life Bible Study Class at Houston’s First Baptist Church and started attending The Porch every Tuesday. Wow, I had no idea what I was missing. So thankful I found this community!
D.C.
First time to D.C. with my sister and dad! We had a great time exploring all the museums and meeting extended family.
Dancing @ Dance House Fitness
Boy was this fun! I stumbled across this new studio and started going to the choreograph classes for a few months. Talk about a confidence booster!
Work/Career Path
Mini life crisis of what to do and where to do it…
Body changed- Fitness
The moment finally arrived. Making this year tough on my self image. I started to see my body change and realized it was going to take discipline and hard work to get back to where I was before I started sitting in a chair all day at work.
Costa Rica
Went on a FAM Trip with Preferred Hotels of Costa Rica with my co-worker Charlotte. We hiked, zip-lined, rafted, rappelled, soaked in hot springs and more!
Nana turned 90!
Went up to Calgary to throw a surprise birthday party for Nana. She was so excited and I loved getting to see all my canadian family!
Memorial Day weekend at Paws Up
This place is a true oasis! It was beyond beautiful
New York Work Trip
Got sent to NY to explore a possible new division of my company. It was a great opportunity and I felt so cool getting to live like a New Yorker for the week.
Volunteering with Preschoolers and at The Porch
Started volunteering Sunday mornings with the 3 year olds. They bring so much joy to my week! Also started volunteering at The Porch on Tuesday evenings. Love being apart of what God’s doing in and through Young Singles in Houston!
Lost Kevin
Lost a very near and dear family friend. Kevin was an amazing guy and loved by so many. He will forever be greatly missed.
Hurricane Harvey
#HoustonStrong
New Friends #theFam
Again, so incredibly blessed for all of the friendships that God has brought into my life throughout this year. We give Friends a run for their money lol
Smile Direct Club
Decided to take the more affordable alternative to Invisalign. Started in Aug and will finish in March 2018!
New Apartment with the BEST roommate #Meant2V
I’m in absolute love with our new little home! Perfect in every way!
New Car (OMGGG)
It finally happened!!! RIP Sandy, you have been officially replaced!
Australia – CW17
Talk about a dream come true! My first journey down under did not disappoint! I mostly got to explore the Gold Coast and Victoria. Will def be going back!
Antarctica – Quark Expeditions
Wow Wow Wow! I actually traveled down to the 7th Continent!!! Still doesn’t seem real! I lived my dream of seeing penguins up close in the wild and saw the remote vastness of perfection that is Antarctica.
Signature Conference – Las Vegas
Such a great way to end the year . I have some amazing co-workers and boy did we had a blast! It’s so fun getting to connect with other agents and our suppliers from all over the world.
Year of Singleness
Yet I was never alone. Hebrews 13:5

#FriendshipAndForgiveness

Two Thousand Sixteen

Started rough, literally, I had food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Not the most ideal way to ring in the new year.
I had a great love, and I wouldn’t say that I lost it… just that that love reached a point where it was best for us to let it go. Relationships are hard, but in my experience always worth it. I will always be thankful for the memories and lessons that came from this one.
Come April, tragedy struck and I along with several of my closest friends, mourned the loss of a very beloved friend, Mark Andrew Tartaglio.
Celebrated my birthday surrounded by the most wonderful friends in the world. Seriously, I have the. best. friends. ever.
Graduated from University of Houston with a BS in Hotel and Restaurant Management.
Started working full time at FROSCH Travel doing what I love. Everyday I get to plan a new adventure!
Moved to a new apartment with fabulous roommates that always make life more interesting.
Traveled to Paris, Barcelona, French Riviera, Nice, Monaco, Almalfi Coast, Capri, Florence, Rome, Philadelphia, Cancun, Hawaii, London, Las Vegas, and Seattle!
Met strangers that I now have the pleasure of calling dear friends, from Dallas to Chicago to New York to Canada to Australia and beyond. Everywhere I had the privilege to travel, it seems I met someone who was destined to become apart of my life moving forward.
Throughout the year came many different seasons of my faith and relationship with Christ. It is always evolving and making me grow and discover more things about myself. I am proud of the accomplishments I’ve made this far and I can’t wait to see where He leads me next.

Cheers to 2016 and here’s to an even better 2017!

The Take Aways

Four relationships, four unique lessons

It always gets better, you just have to give it time

You know that clique saying “time heals all” well it’s actually true. Time has this really weird way of making us forget some of the happiest and thankfully the saddest moments of our lives. Just like Sara says in her song  A Little Bit Stronger, “it doesn’t happen overnight, but you turn around and a months gone by and you realize you haven’t cried…”  It’s crazy how sometimes you move on without even realizing it.

When my first love broke  destroyed my heart, I was completely convinced, as I’m sure most of us were, that I would never find love again. (lol) I could not seem to wrap my head around the idea that things would get better… I would find someone better, and they would love me in a way I didn’t know I needed. Time and time again as relationships came to an end I would find myself resorting back to this helpless and defeated default. But thankfully I have always been proven wrong. It always gets better, you just have to give life, and God some time.

Family is important

Although this may seem obvious, I promise you it is often overlooked and it shouldn’t be. Coming from a very accepting, loving, and supportive family this is something I pay close attention to when looking for a potential partner. It is crucial for me to be with someone who comes from a family with similar values, morals and beliefs as me and my family. Family is forever, and ignoring red flags (or even yellow) will only postpone the inevitable family feud.

This didn’t become obvious to me until after I got out of a relationship where it was missing. Actually scratch that, it wasn’t until I was in my next relationship where I had my “ahh ha” moment. I realized this is what it’s suppose to feel like when you are completely welcomed in by their family and they adore and respect the relationship as much as you do. After experiencing a family’s love that is so similar to mine own, I can’t imagine going back to a relationship of walking on eggshells and constantly feeling insecure, like I have to have it together all the time. Being apart of a real, fun loving family, dysfunctional and all, is important.

Commitment isn’t optional

I wish girls would stop believing it is. There is nothing wrong with being a “relationship girl”, knowing what you want, waiting instead of settling, expecting dates and not just casual hang outs, and desiring an official “label” and not just “talking”. Discussing a future together should not be scary. After all isn’t that the goal of a relationship, to grow together and learn what you like and don’t like to find out if you are compatible to build a future together?

On the flip side, trying to make someone commit before they are ready, or waiting for someone to commit that is dragging their feet is only full of heartache for you. There is nothing you can do or say to get them to the same level of commitment as you. Guaranteed, your expectations for the relationship will not align and you will be the one disappointed. Since I trust easily, fall effortlessly, and commit wholeheartedly, I often find myself expecting the same from my partner and that isn’t always the case. Knowing your worth and staying true to yourself until someone comes along that realizes your value is easier said than done, I know. But I promise that once you hold yourself accountable, you will be so happy that you didn’t settle and that you waited for the person who respects you enough to understand commitment isn’t optional.

Words have meaning

And if you’re anything like me, you hang onto every word that is said to you from someone you care about. When someone tells you something not only do you remember it, but you hold them to it and expect their promises to follow through. When someone expresses their feelings to you, you wholeheartedly believe them. At no point are you expecting them to change their mind, think they are talking straight out of emotion, or saying something just to say it.

I can promise you, from previous experience (see guy who wouldn’t commit from above) it is better to never hear the I love Yous’ and promises of a future marriage and family then have them halfheartedly said to you because they feel like they’re suppose to or because they think it’s what you want to hear. I would rather have the Words of Affirmation that I crave withheld then constantly doubt if it’s true when their actions don’t line up. Be with someone who realizes how much meaning their words hold and knows that by communicating them they are expressing a commitment that they are prepared to uphold. After all, there is nothing more attractive than a Godly man who keeps his word.

Bucket List

Stay on a private Island
Watch fireworks from inside a plane
Be the Maid of Honor in a wedding
Read every book by Nicholas Sparks
Live on my own
Spend a summer abroad
Live in a Tiny House
Read every book I own
Learn how to sew
Experience a White Christmas
Ride a segway
Marry the Love of my Life
Visit all 50 States
Learn how to surf
Run a marathon
Sleep under the stars in a truck bed
Jump off a waterfall
Play with a Penguin
Go Sailing
Dance with my dad at my wedding
Start a family tradition
Watch my children get married
Go to an Opera
Run through a field of sunflowers
Move to a different country
Live in another state
Be in a professional photo shoot
Pay for a stranger’s bill
Get a small tattoo that means a lot
Ride in a helicopter
Visit all 7 continents (6 so far)
Fly in a lay flat bed overseas
Catch fireflies
Plant a tree
Cage dive with sharks
Raise a puppy
Swim with dolphins
Go to an Adele concert
Adopt a shelter dog
Ride a horse on the beach
Throw a dart at a map and travel to wherever it lands
Attend the Olympics
Grow a garden
Learn how to play the guitar
Go whale watching
Go to a masquerade ball
Ride in a limo
Learn archery
Run a 5K
Attend a red carpet event
Go skinny dipping
Sail on an Around the World Cruise
Go stargazing
Fly first class
Volunteer in another country
Watch a World Cup game live
Kiss at the top of a Ferris Wheel
See a Broadway musical
Learn a new language
Read the entire Bible
Inspire a song to be written about me
Kiss under a mistletoe
Participate in a color run
Spend the night in a tree house
Watch a meteor shower
Design my dream home
Go to a drive in movie theater
Go Ziplining through a rain forest

Lessons

The definition of a lesson is such, “an amount of teaching given at one time; a period of learning or teaching”. A lot of times after something goes wrong or not according to our plan we are told to consider it a “lesson learned”. Well the problem with that is usually it takes multiple failures of said lesson to realize it’s wrong and to learn whatever it is we are suppose to learn from it. So we end up repeating the same mistakes over and over again until something finally clicks. And I’m here to tell you that is perfectly okay. It would be a much simpler world if we could just accept the advice from others by “taking their word for it” and learning from their mistakes, but then it wouldn’t be our lesson, it would be theirs. Everyone has their limits and everyone reaches them at different times. Although it can be extremely frustrating to watch someone you care about duplicate the same mistakes you made and repeat them time and time again (like you probably did) who are you to judge them because it took them getting burned 7 times versus your 5? The best thing you can do for them is just be there and let them know that you are still going to be there whenever they reach their breaking point and the lesson finally clicks. You do not need to condone their choices but you should be empathetic considering you know first hand how disheartening it is going back to the person who said ‘I told you so’.

Like I said, some lessons take longer to learn, and I learned that the long way. Looking back, I know now that I didn’t really learn the lesson until I changed my behavior or better yet, stop putting myself in the environment that encouraged said behavior. Most importantly I realized that there is a difference between lessons I’ve learned and lessons I have mastered. I recognize now that I am not immune to repeating mistakes from the lessons I’ve learned. However, I will say that  I am now annoyingly aware that I am about to slip down the same slope, it’s like a silent alarm that goes off in my head. My naiveness is gone. I can no longer try to justify it, because I know better. And from that point on it becomes a very conscious decision choosing to further engage. To be completely honest, sometimes the alarm isn’t enough. Sometimes it feels good to slip up a little bit, to test myself, see if I will be strong enough to tap out when need be.  And sometimes the alarm is like a firework, startling, bright,  and piercing . I don’t  even dare to entertain the thought. I worked too hard to build up that guardrail and the idea of pressing up against it knowing how devastating the fall is and the strength needed to climb back up is completely sufficient to stop me in my tracks. I guess that’s the difference.